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The Past Week

I decided to record significant moments in my life starting now. I hope I remember the things that happened to me in the past week.

I think I can start with April 16, 2009 (Thursday)

This was a very tiring day considering we danced and practiced for the graduation video from 9:00AM to 5:00PM. We tried to remake the ABS CBN Summer Station ID. It was a very fun experience. I went home really tired.

April 17, 2009 (Friday)

Another day for practice, but this time only a few graduating people showed up. This is why I was given a major role in the video. They made me lip synch 2 lines in the songs intro. Louie my housemate came back from Bicol and he was also given the same role to portray.

After the practice I, along with Keith, Paul, and Rap slept over at Kelvin's in Fairview to finish the AF Financial Report. We talked about many things about the org and the members (wahahaha, evil laugh). We bought a bottle of vodka but was not able to consume it because everyone was sleepy after doing the report and no one could stay up a bit more to finish the drink that Rap made.

April 18, 2009

The big Meriendahan 2 dinner with Anna Gonzales, Ruelo, Parce, Dara, Ku and Christian. They were the alumni who went to Joe's place in Greenhills. The members who attended were Cachie, Joe, Anna K, Barry, Keith, Rap, Sudar, and July. We were overwhelmed with the amount of food available to us then. It was like a feast. We also learned a lot from the beginnings of Arki Forum. We really enjoyed the night and went home with Rap and Barry.

April 19, 2009

Induction and Turnover Ceremony for the UP Arki Forum took place in Pansol, Calamba. The convoy consisted of 4 cars. I boarded Nicole's ride while the others were in Dino's, Dax's and Monica's cars. We arrived at the resort around 9AM. I had a really good time singing my heart out with my friends requesting me to sing happy songs. And so I sang Christina Aguilera's "Come on Over" Britney's "Baby One more time" and an Aegis song. While many were swimming, they were listening to me as I tried to sing these pop songs. Well I just thought these would lighten our mood and just inject pure enjoyment.

For the very first time too, I was not afraid to swim in a pool with water going over my head. Cachie and I tried to perfect our strokes. We also shot videos and pictures underwater. The shots were really great and the video appealing. Dino even made a fool of himself by trying to show his A _ _ on screen. Luckily I am quick in responding and I turned the cam off by the time he pulled it down.

I think a lot of people really had fun then. It was nice to see my old friends join us in the celebration. We went home tired and scared that Mike would throw up inside Nicole's van. Anyway, I went home with Lando and a whole big plate of pansit which up to now is in the fridge. Before I dozed off, the skies was shouting like hell with its thunderstorm. I was really scared and pulled my pillow from my head just to cover my eyes from all the flashes. Unfortunately I was the only one feeling a bit scared since Lando who was sleeping beside me was already dreaming. We woke up at 9:00AM and ate at Rodic's UP Village the next day.

Hmmm, not bad, my memory is still functioning quite well.

Don't Know Why

I have this client right now who asked me to layout web pages for him. It was a cheap deal considering he asked me to do 2 websites for the price of 5,000. I don't even know now why I was so excited in doing the project because he has a strong vision of what he wants; so strong he does not want to compromise.

It somewhat confuses me since I also envisioned something for the website which I think could really make it more readable and understandable for the public who will view the services of the business they are offering. I really wish I could be more free in doing the web design since I know that between us, I am the one with more knowledge on aesthetic arrangements of figures and text.

I worked with a longtime friend (Com Sci major) on this particular website. I was acquainted with how I must adjust to his work ethics. I am happy because we have worked on this without big time compromises in our objectives. It helped that we had the same views. It is a good thing that we are both to be hired again for another project. If the first one was for a construction firm, this second one is for a burger shoppe. Cool eh!

Slowly I am being shown the real world and I don't know why it is far too rough compared to what I thought it was. Truthfully, experience is a better teacher and dealing with people or clients will define how good of a person one is.

A New Member of the Family

And so, after a walk-filled day, I decided to get myself something to take care of in the coming weeks or until it may last. And since I am a fan of eradicating all sorts of causes of cancer from radiation, I bought myself a plant (which absorbs radiation).

I named it Bob, after my favorite 3D animation character from Monsters VS Aliens.

Please Read: My Aunt Edith

I grew up knowing she is the youngest child of Antonio Santos and the late Lucila Santos, my grandparents. She was a very obedient sister to my mother and her other elder sisters and brothers, a very soft spoken person with a simple disposition in life. She frequents the kitchen and the laundy area of their house (the place where my grandfather lives also) trying to finish the household chores. It was very rare that I saw her resting on their living area and whenever I did see her, she held either a broomstick or a "sianse" in one of her hands while the other is massaging her tired feet.

Ever since I could remember, she was already taking care of my grandparents, her children consisting of two lads and one lass, and another aunt of ours who's disabled and incapable of clear speech. Since she attends to her husband also, she has taken cared of 7 people in the span of my life which is 22 years. Little time or attention has been devoted for herself. In short, she had very little or no choice at all. It was evident to me even as a kid that she was having a hard time trying to make things work within schedule as she prepared breakfast for my cousins before they went to school. She was a plain housewife then. Her husband, earning minimum, was a worker at the nearby factory.

She did everything she could to send all three of my cousins to private schools even if she knew it would have been a lot easier if they were sent in public or government-run universities. When the time for her two kids to enter college came, she ventured into a business with my mother which was eventually transfered to her sole management as my mom thought the earnings would best help her family rather than being equally divided in between them. She managed to let the eldest child graduate from the University of the Philippines as Cum Laude and the second one currently in practicum as a seafarer. The third one still in high school is technically the only one who is still studying.

Her two kids were earning enough to take care of themselves and were already very generous in helping her with the expenses at their home. Everything was set to a good start as her eldest and second child try their luck in improving their family's life through well-paying jobs. Good chances were starting to pave the way for a more comfortable and improved life for her and her husband.

I was already imagining I would see her watching the television more often, sitting on the couch of their home more often, sleeping on the "papag" at their terrace and enjoying the view of the vast farms at the back of their house. It was as if everything she hoped for her two kids and their family in general was coming true slowly. She can finally rest her feet longer.

Right now I see her on the bed most of the time. I see her watching television the whole day, practically doing nothing but rest. But I'm not happy. This was not what I was wishing for..

When the news reached me that she was diagnosed to have colon cancer, I lost grasp of the vision I have for her family. Suddenly, I was wishing I could see her sweeping the floor with all her might, tossing our favorite pansit canton using her "sianse", scrubbing and washing their clothes while wearing that squeky rubber gloves, tiring herself with endless household chores. At least this way I could see her full of life.

The cancer is at an advanced level of stage 4. But I am not losing hope. She will undergo surgery later today at 1:00PM to confirm the prevalence or presence of cancer, and I know God will be there to bring her back to us, her family.

Editha Santos Estrella
45 Years Old
Diagnosed with Colon Cancer

My mindset is that the doctor could be wrong and anything can happen so long as there is faith. I believe if there are more people who would pray for her, it would be a successful medical operation and she will get to see the fruits of her labor.

At this moment she tells us she wants to take care of grandsons and granddaughters, or see her second child be a captain of the crew of a ship. That is my wish for her too..

This is her story. If you have time please offer a prayer for her too. Thank you!

Dissatisfied

Here I am writing for the first time after hearing the most sought after "you passed!" phrase ever in my life. Yes, I passed. I am happy; happy because my prayers were answered and I was given a passing mark. I am also sad; sad because I was not able to showcase what I can really do. After assessing my performance, my thesis output is barely 50% of what I can do but it is 100% of my attention already. I am so easily distracted.

This shall mean I must devote at least 200% of my attention to my next endeavors so I can reach my 100% output quality. These are the times when your ego tells you, you could have done a lot better. The time given to us was enough, it was just me and my procrastination that devoured the very chance I was hoping for - to be able to regain prominence through a good shot to a 1.0 in thesis or better yet, one of the top presenters.

Maybe the best thing I can do now is put all of the things I never got the chance to showcase in my thesis deliberations into my thesis book for future reference.

This thesis season, I was absent in many subjects because I was trying to finish my drawings. I did not cram at all. I was just inefficient. I was late in submissions and was even scolded several times. Now this is an issue I should really focus on. Time... Oh well, I have the whole night to think about it.

Because we know how to touch!

The Second and Final Inter-class of Touch Rugby PE
October 6, 2008

Results (white team):
1 Win
1 Draw
1 Loss

So, how does one summarize this? Anyway, I was really happy even though my whole body aches right now. I spent the victory-ish party with nine of my teammates. And the happiest part of it, the girl I have crush on (a teammate of mine) asked for everyone's number including mine. I was nervous at first that she'll get the contact details of my girl classmates but I was amazed he also asked for ours (3 guys). She said she might need to contact us for a play she's doing. She's a film major.

Of course I volunteered to enter my number in her phone book. I was all smiles, fulfilled. The semester did not end without me knowing her number after all.

*There I was (not in full action photos though), wearing a white jersey with red stripes at the sides and a number 05 at the back written in black plus yellow shorts with blue stripes.

Is it Really going to be just a dream for me?

For the longest time I have wished to at least get a CS (College Scholar) Recognition for at least a semester before I graduate. This semester is not exempted from that innate longing.

I am not a grade conscious student really, being that I have totally ruined my TCG record by filling it with either failed or dropped subjects particularly Math; but I woke up one night after a dream and realized I have to somehow experience being on the top AGAIN.

Ever since I entered the University of the Philippines, I have been slowly acquainted with how I par with people's intellect, talents or wealth. There was always this scare within me that tells me I might be at the bottom of everything. There was a time that I got the lowest score in our class in an exam in Math. I thought, I have never experienced that in my entire High School, Elementary and Pre-Elementary life.

Pre-Elementary saw early signs that I absorb more information compared to my classmates, thus I was accelerated. Both this and my Elementary Schooling was spent in one of the best schools in Bulacan, Montessori School of Malolos. At the age of five (5) I was already in Grade 1. I finished Grade 6 at Rank 5.

I failed the entrance exam of a private Catholic School when I tried for High School since MSM had only until Grade 6 of schooling. Nevertheless I passed the exam administered by Bulacan State University at the age of 11. BSU is one of the top schools in Bulacan. My aunt told me I got the 2nd highest score on the exam of thousands of aspiring students. But some of the people who saw the list told me I only placed 12th because someone else was claiming the 2nd spot. Anyway, I graduated at Rank 5 again at the age of 15.

I entered the University of the Philippines at 15 (turning 16) and found myself in a rare mixture of people who were more often older than myself. I'm now turning 22 in December and I am still in UP, still battling with the best people in the Philippines, trying to make a distinction.

People were often skeptic about me and how my achievements started to pale out because of my being delayed for graduation in college. They thought something went wrong. I say, yes something changed but I cannot assess it to be able to know if it really went wrong or if I changed for the better.

I found it so hard to maintain a certain level of discipline expected from a UP student, well at least in my third year to sixth year of schooling only, since my first two years were scholastically spent. But even so, I was not able to secure a CS or a US (University Scholar) Recognition because it was either I dropped Military Science or I dropped PE or I was underload because I was forced to drop Philo I. And so from then until now I am a student of either a NI (Needs Improvement or a GS (Good Standing) only. Yes I am hard on myself. But I am only like that when I think of the many people around me who will be so much happier if I am actually excelling. Sigh, I can only blame myself.

This semester saw a different me being that I have a lot of moments pondering on my grades compared to my other 12 semesters. I was able to attain a highest possible grade of 1.5 in one of my subjects, I was able to maintain good standing on the rest of my subjects and I was able to submit all requirements for my thesis.. But upon assessing again these past few weeks, I came to a realization that everything was still not enough.

It scares me to think that I have to be disowned by everyone first before I can actually control my time. I am afraid that if this is the only solution, I might grab it and use it as a tool this coming second semester just so I can have something to be proud of (at least to other people's standards, and not to mine only).

I am not giving up the fight though. My dream shall become my reality someday, when my time comes. So immature... ;-(

Oh Shit!

I just realized how important it is to be with my batch mates. Now it scares me to go into the world alone..

Oh wait, I should not be, because all the while I was alone...

I went through plates on my own. Math, Physics, ES subjects on my own.
I rarely stayed up late for group studies.

Now I can feel the weight, of being separated.

Revive Dancing

Asaaaarrrr! Ang lufet ng pagka-magaling... If I'm right these are dancers from groove central studio. Yun yung studio ni Mr. Jay Dimalanta, mentor ko sa Streetdance - Basic. Gusto ko nang mag-PE3!!!

Brand New!

For two months running I have kept a decision on something very important to me pending. It was very convenient for me to let things pass me by, to start something and to never really have the courage to finish it. And then it hit me when I realized I actually decided on it by the mere act of keeping it hanging. And so I gathered enough courage and proceeded with what could be the greatest decision-making phase of my life. Tomorrow I will not look at the day the same way again. But though I know I am clueless and scared, I will face the consequences of my decision head on.

Since I have decided on this, I hope to remain firm and composed so as to keep with my dreams. I really think I deserve to be happy, and to do so I have to make many sacrifices.

"Sometimes, to be complete means to be literally filling the emptiness within oneself. Filling it with things that make one happy and not by false images of happiness through other peoples' responses to ones character."

I miss those times

A few minutes from now I'll be meeting up with a good friend. We will be dining at the Sisig place at Philcoa, my treat. We had been long distance friends for more than three years already. We were classmates in Physics 71. We got along because we used to compare our scores in the exams and quizzes. Those were the times that I was still overly appreciative of grades. I was driven to strive for my best by the mere thought that we will really compare our accomplishments. It should have been easier on my part since he is a year younger than I am, but that was not the case. He was extra-ordinarily industrious. He is now teaching the very subject I just took a summer ago, Engineering Science 13: Strength of Materials.

We never really got to sit down and talk for more than 10 minutes after we became classmates. We often lost each others contact details, but we bumped a lot inside UP (and we thought UP is big). We got to update each other a lot through 3-minute encounters. And now is the only time that we will meet to actually talk. I am a bit scared of the fact that he will be asking about my thesis. But I am thinking that he will be doing such only to try to determine how he can help.

He gave me a book two years ago entitled Study Smarts. He said it guided him a lot while studying. I never finished the book until now. It is only 85 pages and still I haven't finished even half of it. I promise to do so in the coming days.

Well, he encourages me most of the time. I remember Physics when he was really excited to tell me that my score improved compared to the result of the First Long Quiz. I hope to someday achieve what he has achieved. He is a Civil Engineering graduate of UP Diliman. I am still trying to finish Architecture, but no matter what happens to us in the future, there is a great chance that we might work together. I hope, that in this thesis period I am undergoing now, that I will develop a better sense of responsibility so that by the time I'll be out in the real world I can somehow gain leverage in the field. And after maybe three to five years, we can meet again and compare each other's achievements and hear each other say that we're happy for ourselves.

It was purely healthful competition between us back then. I miss those times when I was still on track. =(

Still Problematic

These are the odd things that happened to me lately.

I had this long lost friend (5 years to be exact) who surprised me by calling me up one early morning (1:00AM). He wanted to meet up with me. Of course since he was a good friend I actually agreed to meet him at Tomas Morato. He told me that I should look for this bar which his boy lover is a part owner of. Luckily before I stepped out of the house, I asked first the name of the bar. I was startled by his answer, "Butterfly Bar." And so I was frank when I asked him if it was a G-bar (G meaning gay) and he replied with yes. Without further explanations I told him I would only meet him if we'll be at dining at Pier One. (to be continued - I feel so sleepy already)

Continued today July 23, 2008...

But unfortunately he did not want to transfer to another place just to accommodate me. I don't know if I was too demanding or if I was just being choosy of the place but I know that I don't want to be seen in such a place because of its reputation. I frequent places like the music museum, pier one, the forum, dish and the likes of giligans and the many grilles but I have never been in any bar, especially not in a G-bar and so I really gave it a hard thought if I would be going for my friend since his lover co-owns it and it's like an invitation to take a look at what the two of them have worked so hard for.

And so I decided based on the lateness of the time of the night. It was already 1:30AM and I reasoned out that I have class the following day which is a Saturday, and true enough I have classes on Saturdays. When I got back to my bed, I slept.

When I woke up, I was asking myself why. I thought about my mom. I remembered the time my brother broke her heart when she found out that my brother went to a bar in Bulacan which is infested with a lot of GROs. And so I was glad I did not come. I have successfully set up a boundary for myself with which I restrict myself to entering establishments for the enjoyment of food and music only.

-------------------------------

I got another invitation from the same friend 3 days later. It was fine with me that he really wishes I could see their place but what offended me is what he told me thru SMS:

"Punta ka dito please tapos sama ka pa ng mga guy friends mo para naman may makita kami.."

So... I was being invited because my friend was with his gay friends and they all wanted to see new people come in the bar. I did not quite get what he was intending to do but I did not reply to his messages. Even though he offered to pay for one round of drinks, I did not answer. I just slept. Right now, I would just like to think that in those instances he was inviting me, he might be drunk already that's why he might not be aware of what he was doing. I was disappointed.

In it, inescapably

(Current post)

Today is weird. I found myself trying to catch the attention of my crush (my classmate) almost the whole time of our PE class. There were instances where we became opponents and there were drills we became group mates.

We did this one drill wherein the holder of the ball calls the name of the person he wishes to accept the throw and then after catching it the person calls another person and throws to him or her while the first person who threw the ball goes to the place of the second thrower and the second thrower goes to the place of the second catcher. I was trying not to be obvious so I never passed the ball to my classmate even though I have passed already to everyone else. And so, my crush (trying to make this sound as if it is a noun) was not passing to me either and I really felt bad not receiving a pass.

After class I saw my classmate about to leave and so I hurried and caught up. We had a not so meaningful conversation though. I just kept on asking stuff and my crush just kept answering without making an effort of making the conversation longer. Anyway, I came into a conclusion that I may not be interesting so I just shut my mouth. I also told myself I am not going to ask for a number. If I won't be able to get it until the semester ends then so be it..

Oh no, I'm in it already!

(Supposedly posted last week)

No matter how I try to tell myself not to entertain my interest towards one of my classmates this semester, I can't really forbid myself.

I have formally introduced myself today and I got a warm smile when I asked for a name. I just could not help but notice my classmate.

I was really happy today because we became opponents in touch rugby (I being on the offensive part, there were more girls than guys in our PE class). I don't know if I was too obvious because I said bye towards the end of the class even if we're meters away already; and then foolishly tried to catch up in mere seconds.

Haaaayyyy... I now have an inspiration. Just a while ago I was thinking already how I would feel if I don't see my classmate in one of our next meetings. I probably will be sad, but hey the game's really fun so I might forget about it soon after we start doing our drills.

Waaahhhh, I have a new crush.. Hmmm, that was fast. The last time I had a crush was last summer in one of my classes. Well, I'm not making sense anymore, it's just that I have to let the world know (of course that is not possible here).

It feels like I'm not going overly stupid this time though like the many times before. I don't go messing up my words when talking and my chest doesn't feel heavy whenever I am with my classmate (who is incredibly sexy by way of dressing, talking, laughing, everything).