For the longest time I have wished to at least get a CS (College Scholar) Recognition for at least a semester before I graduate. This semester is not exempted from that innate longing.
I am not a grade conscious student really, being that I have totally ruined my TCG record by filling it with either failed or dropped subjects particularly Math; but I woke up one night after a dream and realized I have to somehow experience being on the top AGAIN.
Ever since I entered the University of the Philippines, I have been slowly acquainted with how I par with people's intellect, talents or wealth. There was always this scare within me that tells me I might be at the bottom of everything. There was a time that I got the lowest score in our class in an exam in Math. I thought, I have never experienced that in my entire High School, Elementary and Pre-Elementary life.
Pre-Elementary saw early signs that I absorb more information compared to my classmates, thus I was accelerated. Both this and my Elementary Schooling was spent in one of the best schools in Bulacan, Montessori School of Malolos. At the age of five (5) I was already in Grade 1. I finished Grade 6 at Rank 5.
I failed the entrance exam of a private Catholic School when I tried for High School since MSM had only until Grade 6 of schooling. Nevertheless I passed the exam administered by Bulacan State University at the age of 11. BSU is one of the top schools in Bulacan. My aunt told me I got the 2nd highest score on the exam of thousands of aspiring students. But some of the people who saw the list told me I only placed 12th because someone else was claiming the 2nd spot. Anyway, I graduated at Rank 5 again at the age of 15.
I entered the University of the Philippines at 15 (turning 16) and found myself in a rare mixture of people who were more often older than myself. I'm now turning 22 in December and I am still in UP, still battling with the best people in the Philippines, trying to make a distinction.
People were often skeptic about me and how my achievements started to pale out because of my being delayed for graduation in college. They thought something went wrong. I say, yes something changed but I cannot assess it to be able to know if it really went wrong or if I changed for the better.
I found it so hard to maintain a certain level of discipline expected from a UP student, well at least in my third year to sixth year of schooling only, since my first two years were scholastically spent. But even so, I was not able to secure a CS or a US (University Scholar) Recognition because it was either I dropped Military Science or I dropped PE or I was underload because I was forced to drop Philo I. And so from then until now I am a student of either a NI (Needs Improvement or a GS (Good Standing) only. Yes I am hard on myself. But I am only like that when I think of the many people around me who will be so much happier if I am actually excelling. Sigh, I can only blame myself.
This semester saw a different me being that I have a lot of moments pondering on my grades compared to my other 12 semesters. I was able to attain a highest possible grade of 1.5 in one of my subjects, I was able to maintain good standing on the rest of my subjects and I was able to submit all requirements for my thesis.. But upon assessing again these past few weeks, I came to a realization that everything was still not enough.
It scares me to think that I have to be disowned by everyone first before I can actually control my time. I am afraid that if this is the only solution, I might grab it and use it as a tool this coming second semester just so I can have something to be proud of (at least to other people's standards, and not to mine only).
I am not giving up the fight though. My dream shall become my reality someday, when my time comes. So immature... ;-(
